I have a friend who was having issues with her marriage, so as a couple they decided to see a marriage counselor. Both were extremely anxious as to what secrets would be revealed in front of the counselor but to their surprise, the first thing that she asked was “how often do you have sex?” They haven’t had sex in a long time, hectic lifestyle, busy jobs, demanding kids, they hardly had time to spend together. Could that be the problem, would regularly having sex solve all their marriage problems and they could be one of those poster happy couples that everyone envies? They went back home from the counselor feeling contented to have found the root cause of all problems, it was that simple, just go home, have sex and vola, problem solved!

As it turns out, it was not that simple, sex was the least of the problems and having regular sex probably ended up making them more frustrated than before because the issues in their marriage were far deeper than physical pleasure.

Why is sex thought to be so important?

In olden times, sex was an integral part of our day to day lives because procreating was an extremely important element of human survival (besides there was no Netflix that time for entertainment). It didn’t matter whether you enjoyed the act or not, it was mandatory to indulge in the activity if you were married. In fact in many cultures, if a woman wouldn’t be pregnant soon after marriage, people would start eying her with thoughts of being barren or incapable of bearing a child. Even after the kid was born, people would get back into action to have the next one. 

With changing times, sex is not just for procreation but it’s part of your overall happiness index. However, changing times call for changing patterns that can fit your lifestyle and not abide by the norms of what the society expects you to follow.

Mistaken case of replacing intimacy with sex

The problem with most relationships is that people often confuse sex with intimacy. I have seen couples who go months and sometimes years without sex but they don’t lack intimacy. Holding hands while walking, hugging whenever you meet, kissing even if it’s on cheeks, I feel all of this to be way more romantic and binding than a few nights of orgasmic emotions. I personally feel that there is too much pressure of performance and a high probability of disappointment when you rely on sex to strengthen a relationship, whereas, you can never go wrong with hugging. The calmness that intimacy brings, allows space for better and deeper conversations that will help bond the relationship much more stronger.

Monotonous routine kills the appetite

Just the way you keep browsing netflix everyday to find something that is not the same as yesterday, boredom in the bedroom is also one of the elements that can kill the desire. Living together everyday, knowing every personal thing about your partner including their bathroom routines can be too much information, which can eventually make space for monotonous routines. Many couples lack the spirit of adventure and doing the same thing everyday eventually makes the entire act dull and less appealing. Yes, you can try out different things to keep it spicy and new but what if as a person that’s just not your personality. Does that mean that you can never have a good and happy relationship? Personally I feel that in such cases it’s extremely important for married people to be honest with each other about how hard it is to satisfy their partner’s sexual needs so that other elements could be explored that can strengthen the bond, otherwise infidelity can happen which can destroy a perfect relationship. If sex is extremely important but you are not able to pleasure each other, a honest conversation can allow the partner to go seek pleasure without hurting or cheating anyone. 

Think beyond sex

As a society, we believe in shaming people and showing off our own superiority. That’s probably part of evolution from monkeys to humans. Whenever I’m hanging out with married couples, they usually brag about their active and happening sexual lives (even if they are making up stories to blend in). Such conversations can be extremely uncomfortable for couples who have not slept together for months but are happy with each other. If only this world was more intellectual than it currently is, people would be talking about important things instead of discussing their bedroom acts that anyways should be left within the four walls of your room unless you are making a porn movie. No one is interested in the verbal diarrhea of how your partner gave you 5 different orgasms in one night, although most of the silly rom com movies have made you believe that girls like to gossip morning after and giggle over the details.

Final thoughts, when sex feels like a chore and an item to tick off, give it a break. If after a long day of stressful work, a nice cuddle in the arms of your partner makes you feel at home and relaxed, then there is nothing wrong in your relationship.