Jealousy is probably one of the only emotions that is common amongst all of us, believe it or not, I personally feel, jealousy is an emotion that we have felt most in our lives. It’s normal, it’s ok to be jealous but can it be labeled as an “healthy emotion”?

When I was a teenager and had my first crush in college, I used to get worked up pretty often. Why didn’t he say hi to me, why was he talking to some other girl when I was standing right there, I would keep getting jealous 24/7. There was no whatsapp or i-message at that time, so I would wait for him to send a SMS, all the time thinking of the worst when there would be no message the whole day. And then I would cry, sometimes a lot (I obviously laugh out loud when I think of those times). At that time, I thought being jealous is normal, I would always feel insecure about things failing, not trusting him, although it was all in my head, he was as true to me as it ever could be. 

Fast forward 20 years, I have a lot more stability in my head, I haven’t felt so much as a glimmer of that jealousy in a while now. My partner is friends with tons of pretty, successful, funny and smart women and I have never felt jealous when he is with them. He even talks to me about his exes with whom he is still in touch with, but I never felt worried about it. Recently, he was speaking to me about meeting one of his childhood love friends who happens to be a good friend as well. Rather than feeling jealous, I was curious as to what they discussed and did they have any re-kindling of the old feelings. However, after we ended our conversation, I started thinking, why did I not feel jealous, do I not have that emotion anymore because I don’t care? Am I a sociopath? Should I have felt at least a little bit jealous just to show that it affects me?

Is it normal to feel jealous?

I have friends who check their husband’s phones all the time, who keep asking for location, and I don’t do any of that. Doesn’t mean that I’m not a caring person, it just means, I don’t think I need to worry myself with things that don’t concern me. 

Yes, I do feel envious sometimes, say someone comes and tells me that they know 10 languages and have read more books than I have, I would be so envious that I would probably enroll myself in a new language course, cancel Netflix subscription and start reading! But I would not be jealous, I would not sit and bite my nails thinking, “why does she know so many languages when I can barely speak 5”. 

Same is true in a relationship, if my partner comes home happy after a dinner with a stunning woman, I would feel happy for him because he had a good time but I won’t feel jealous because the woman was not me. I might feel envious that he had a good time when I was getting bored at home, but that’s about it. How can you feel jealous of other people’s qualities? However, sometimes I feel that such a behaviour could be thought of as being cold hearted, it’s as if you don’t even care where your partner is. 

So, once as an experiment, I tried to act all jealous, angry and possessive when he was busy. I was surprised to see his reaction, he was actually apologetic, he asked for my forgiveness, agreed with my reaction and promised to do better in future and give me the attention I deserve. To be honest, for a moment it felt good, it felt as if I’m sitting at a position of power, but will this be something I can deliberately incorporate in my nature, I don’t think so. I’m no longer cut out for this kind of emotional turmoil in my head, I let things be the way they are, if it works, it works, if it fails, it fails, but I cannot pin my happiness or sorrow on other people when I don’t actually always know the truth. Jealousy spews from our own insecurities and over assumption about other people and in my opinion, it’s baseless. If my partner actually comes and tells me, he likes someone else more than me, I would just walk away but until he tells me himself, I would not keep thinking about the “what-if” and get fretlines!  

A relationship is beyond just conversation or sex, a relationship is a commitment to be together during good and bad times. It’s about having that comfort zone with someone who knows your flaws, who knows your positives, who knows that even if you go out and fuck someone else – you would always come home. A relationship is to be with someone who knows who you are, not who they want you to be. You stay with someone not because he/she is great at sex or talking, you stay with someone because if they are not great, they would be ok if you go and seek that missing element elsewhere and a true relationship is that safe zone where you give this kind of space to each other.